I know I am hurting you. I'm hurting myself as well. Turning and tossing the whole night, all I could think was if you are alright - knowing that you weren't. I don't know when I went to sleep but since I'm up, all I can do is wish I hadn't said anything yesterday.
I want to talk to you, I want you to call me. I've already checked Facebook and Instagram, knowing I won't find you there. I've read and reread our chat, knowing there aren't any more images and words getting added there.
I have never been more focused and unfocused at the same time. Everything reminds me of you and now, the bad parts have vanished. All I can remember is the cute smile and the sublime laugh; the long hugs and the longer walks; the joy of your voice and the word - baby - echoing through the neurons.
When I made my decision, it was a trade. Decades of slow occasional pain with one quick stab. In the past 12 hours, this stab has turned into a gangrene and it's going for the kill. Nevertheless, I'm putting on a plaster of bad memories.They might have vanished right now, but I'm sure that I can find them. I'm also dabbing the wound with words of solace. Trying to give it the medicine of hope.
"It's for the best of both of us."
"I will be happier, eventually and you will be happier, soon."
"It is best that I made this decision sooner than later. I'm doing everyone good here."
I'm sure if I repeat these words again and again, they would become true. That's how the world works, right? I hope it does.