Right now, a beautiful girl is sleeping beside me on the bed snoring softly about to wake up in an hour. I love her. It's that simple. There are no ifs or buts in this. But here I lay awake as she and I will be parting ways, probably forever.
Don't get me wrong. Its not my first breakup. Its not even the most surprising one either. We have been discussing over this for a long time in many words and even more emotions. We will be in different continents with oceans being our barriers and even the wind would not reach there to tell her my tales, my sorrows and my toils. While you might say that true lovers cannot be parted by such measly situations, I will just say that, once, I believed the same. I was a narcissistic man with ideas of grandeur and theory on love. All that is broken and shattered.
When she came into my life, I was a shell of a man with not a single belief in relationship or love. I was barely human and that credit also goes to my family. They kept me going and loved me even then. On my own, I was simply existing. She started mending each piece one by one. I hurt her, again and again. In fact, I have hurt her in more than I ever hurt anyone deliberately. She endured and even succeeded in filling this shell with joy. I had given up on happiness and I got that happiness with her. And now, I will let it go. I will let it all go proving that I am still not the man I once was. I am still weak and insecure, so filled with my own fears that I would rather have the certainty of nothingness than a sliver of chance of pain.
For all my proclaims of truths, I am just a boy too scared to accept the truth. I have the girl I want but I just don't want her now. I want her two years from now. Funnily, I know that within one month of today, I will be depressed, filled with sorrow and probably writing another blog post telling you how I miss her.
Earlier, I used to think that I will be unhappy without her. Now, I really question whether I want to be happy without her. Will the world be a better place with me alone fighting the war. Should I give in to these emotions and let myself be blown away by my heart once again. Last time I did that, I broke myself. This time, will it be different?
But I digress. The point is not my inner turmoil but how cute she looks while sleeping. This is one of those few times ever that I know I cannot snuggle to bed. I hate snuggling. But I hate this situation even more. I would rather snuggle with her than write anything about it. She is my first true relationship. She is my first true relationship and it is on the verge of ending. The choice is mine, apparently. I can save it from ending right now. The problem is, I am afraid that eventually, my fear will catch up and end it anyways. Is it better that it ends when she is prepared for it rather than ending when we are busy with our MBAs and actually in no position to handle the situation. I don't know!
Honestly, I don't want to know. She is very similar to IIMA in that respect perhaps. Earlier, I thought she was like Kelley, a place I was to go because I had no options. But as this story gets closer to its end, I realise that she is like the IIMA, the best thing that happened to me but I do not have the right respect for her. It will come, for both, in due course of time. I am sure of it. With IIMA, at least, I will have the chance to make amends. I am afraid I won't get that opportunity. She will become part of the list of people I apologise every night for all the wrongs I have done them.
Still, let me have these few moments of her snoring softly and absorb them before they become part of my archives. A girl I have loved the most, a girl who changed my definition of relationship, someone whom I trust so much and most importantly, the girl who filled me with joy.
Kirtika Singh, I love you, with all my heart!
And, I will always love you. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I know, it holds the world for you. Cherish it, even if it is without me. As for me, I will again become that shell. Only this time, it will be flooding with your love and memories. This post will be out there for the world to read but I hope you do not read it soon enough. I can't confront all this with you right now. I didn't want happiness but you gave it to me nevertheless. Without you, I have no use for it again. I hope you take it with you.