Monday, November 17, 2008


I truly don't know why or what i am going to write. I mean sure I know how I feel-'terrible' but how to express the feeling without explaining the reason is the problem. I wish that I could do something about it but this is the one of the few times that I do not have control over how things are going to turn out.

I wish someone could tell me where should I go to find the solution. I do not know how much I can sustain this condition. See the problem is that I am a man of action. I play on my instinct and they have never failed me as of now so my faith in them is huge. And now all I am doing is waiting for someone else to take a decision. This 'someone' needs time to take the decision which I totally understand but my instinct is shrieking like a werewolf that wait is a waste as the result is already leaked. It knows that the result will be negative; the worst part is that my instinct says that it is for the good of both the parties and my conscience agrees with it.

Free-will is what make us take decision, isn't it? I am not taking any action because if I take the decision then the other person's free-will is lost. But if I do not take decision thinking so then my free-will is lost. I do not know what to do- confused as I am. May be I should trust my instinct and conscience but my conscience loves me and is biased towards me.

I am sorry; I guess I forgot to tell you that my conscience lives outside me. Something like in the fairy tales where the life of the evil demon lives in the parrot. Nevertheless, one thing is sure that pain is what is written in my future for sometime now. If I wait and the result comes out as my instinct predicts then I will be broken (well, almost broken; I am pretty tough emotionally). Again, waiting two months for a decision is already killing me. The decision, if is taken by me then it will give pain to both of us.

Everything I have written is quite incoherent I know but bear with me as I am not in my complete senses- without booze- and my emotions are practically on a roller coaster ride. Love, Hate, Pain, Sadness, Thrill, Joy (no, not joy), suffering all are coming and going. I never thought that I will be in such a condition when this incident really arises but then when is life predictable. I have always maintained that I like this about life and I will still say that it is good that life provides us with so many twists and turns.

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