Funny word, this is. It stands against everything our survival instincts stand for.
How can we hate ourselves? But we do. All of us go through a moment which is simply painful. So much so, that you want to cry. Unfortunately, the tears have dried up.
It is just a moment. Nothing more. But that moment is larger than anything that is felt by you. The reasons can be many. A girl who hurt you, a girl you hurt. Someone who left you forever! Someone you left when they needed you. Each reason can bring self-loathing to you.
One case is however, more intense than others. One case, where you are not only in self-loathing mode, you actually physically hate yourself in third person. When does this happen? When you hurt yourself. When you cheat on yourself and when you leave yourself.
Sounds weird, impossible, untrue. Well, it all is happening to me right now. I am cheating on myself. I am hurting myself and above these two, I think I am leaving myself. Why is not important.
The important fact is that I don’t know how to bring myself back. This relationship is the most important one I have had and I don’t know how to make it right. I want to make it all right but like in any relationship I am too panicked to do the right thing.
I just want to take an action that makes things right or wrong. I have to do something and everything I am doing is not working out. I started this journey with a plan but now, I do not have any vision of that plan in sight. What has happened? Why do I get distracted so easily? Why am I not the guy I love sometimes? It is a beautiful life but why am I not making it even prettier.
Why am I cheating on myself?