Failure weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.
Quantum Physics: Modern worlds most amazing creation. It is rarely that something has so much of an impact on the logical mind. We practically have to change the way we look around ourselves to merely grasp any part of it, let alone believe it.
Relativistic: Then there is the theory of relativity given by none other than the great Albert Einstein himself. His potent at even thinking what he thought admires me. It is almost magical. If there is a God then I can bet my heaven on the fact that God nudges him with hints. Alone it is a feat of shear impossibility. Then again, you don’t become great by doing what has been or can be done. Impossibility is the prerequisite of greatness.
I often wonder how the world is created. What possibly could have triggered this? I know there is an argument of existence of God but I am not interested in who created it. I would like to bypass this question for time being. The question is- Why?
If God created it then why? If it happened by itself then why? God must have had a reason, any reason to make a universe. Was he getting bored or was he lonely? Maybe we are his playthings, dolls if you may. I dunno but I would sure like to know why am I here.
Then again this might all be a chance. But if it was triggered, then there must be a trigger to all of it. I want to know the initiator, every reaction has one. This is my question that is bothering me today. Not whether there is a God or not, but why are we created anyway?
Please do tell me if you have an answer.
Kyun shor ho raha hai itna
Koun aaya hai aaj phir mujhe jilane
Raat kshitij pe dikhti hai ab
Sapne khushnuma aa rahe hai sirhane
Dur bhagao sabko, alag karo mujhse
Mujhe is shor se ab mukti chahiye
Khub sun liye duniye ke kehkahe
Ab bas ek tanhayi bhari maut chahiye.
Dost dushman sab hi to ajnabee hain
Dil se nikalti aah ko sunta nahi koi
Sabko matlab hai apne kaam se yahan
Meri taqleef kahan samajhta hai koi
Na mujhe kisi ki madad ki hai zaroorat
Na hi kisi ki koi sahanbhuti chahiye
Neend ke aagosh mein hai zindagi
Ab bas ek tanhayi bhari maut chahiye..
I am a lost soul, I confess. For a few years now I have been living a meaningless and wandering life. This life is a divine mixture, rather a blend, of soliloquy and speeches. On one hand, I have been among everyone as a group part of the giant symbiosis, sharing my emotions, thoughts, life, even a part my being itself with everyone of them. On other, I have never been more lonely in my whole life. I look back and I yearn to be there. It is very ironical as I never remember much about the past. I have always been a dreamer. So much so, that sometimes I can not differentiate between reality and imagination. Like Lewis Carol's imaginative creation- Alice, I too create humungous world in which I am the truth and I, its lies. I am the God and I only, the lowly peasant. It is this person to which I want to go back. Why?
Because I am in pain, a terrible pain. A pain so excruciating that sometimes I have to physically hurt myself to lose the sight of this pain. No, I am no masochist, don’t take me wrong. At least I was not one. Not sure anymore. But this pain relieves me of the pain that my mind exerts over me. The pain that has become part of my very identity which I do not know a way to separate from this body without tearing apart my whole self. I do not have a cure and now not even the pride to hide it from anyone. Earlier, a boastful and bashful guy would take over me and fight for me. Now, I just hide in my room sitting alone, running away, from my friends, my enemies, even my shadow. Frankly, I am just plain scared to go out so much that I prefer to bunk the classes which I can attend and sometimes even skip meals. My only haven in these precarious times is my home which I frequent as often as I can. There, lying in my mother’s feet I feel safe, safer than I have ever felt in the room-my shelter here.
I want to run away from all this. Maybe skip a few years and jump off from here. Or maybe go back in time and live my childhood again. I do not know where should I go but I know for sure where I do not want to be. I know not what will bring peace to my aching heart but I know the intensity of its beatings. I know not whether I will find answers to the questions flooding my brain but I know no one else can answer them.
I truly pity my friends right now. I know they are confused, angry, maybe even hurt. They do not understand what is going on. They see a guy loosing it. First he stopped doing standard jobs, then he excused himself from important stuff. Now, he is not attending classes, skipping meals and avoiding them. What is next? His will to act is gone. How far will his will to survive last? Will he come back from this setback? Will he gain what fervor he had? Even a fraction of it. What has happened to him? Or maybe he was always like that and it is now that they have realized it. Every question must be looming in there mind making its presence know in my presence. They must be having there own explanations for this behavior. Some may have dismissed as a phase, some might be thinking that I am a nutcase and was so always. Some might have any other creative theory. Few might be considering themselves at fault, others me. But I blame no one, not even myself for a change. I don’t know why.
Sometimes life just sucks. Reason is not needed. Or maybe this is how life seem to a person who is in depression. What could be worse than a scared depressed maniac bordering masochism? Maybe a sadistic psychopath. I , at least am not trying to kill anyone yet. I will not say that this lucrative thought has not crossed my mind. I just had a few lines coming to me from a movie-
You can not treat every situation as life and death matter because you will die a lot of times.
Nice one, eh? I know what you are thinking. From where did this came. I told you earlier- a precious balance of solitude and multitude corresponds my life.
I do not understand death, yet it is one of the topics I think about a lot. I am scared of death, though I am not afraid to die. But if I have to give a definition of death I would say it is the point from where there is nothing to look forward to. This is where I am standing right now. Maybe I have died.
I just wish some one could bring me from the dead. My guardian angel perhaps.
This is a tale of two journeys in a span of three days. In a hurry to reach home I could not get proper reservation. So, from here a general ticket and 200 Rs. ensured that I was allowed to stay in sleeper coach. But that didn’t get me a seat and till 2:30 am I was just sitting and hoping to get some sleep. After that I got a seat (finally!!) and was devoid of it in a few hours again. Luckily I instantly got another bed to savor.
What was so interesting in it? I mean isn’t it the tale of every other college guy travelling through train. Sure! But how many travel with a dog beside them?
When I woke up in the morning I saw a German Shepherd (2 months old) sitting where I sat during my journey. It was I remembered, the one I saw in the railway station as well. So it must be travelling with me from the beginning. What luck!!
Then I went to bus stand and well.. sat on a bus and started reading comics. After half an hour I realized that the bus was circling the stand and I wasted hour an hour of mine. Anyways, finally I reached home.
Coming back I had no reservation again so a general ticket I bought. Then I decided out of whim to try the general compartment as well. Saving the money of my parents!
It was fun to travel though now I am completely exhausted, sleep-deprived and tired. And everyone should try general compartment once for experience.