Monday, April 5, 2010

Monologue- Not for anyone but me.

I am a lost soul, I confess. For a few years now I have been living a meaningless and wandering life. This life is a divine mixture, rather a blend, of soliloquy and speeches. On one hand, I have been among everyone as a group part of the giant symbiosis, sharing my emotions, thoughts, life, even a part my being itself with everyone of them. On other, I have never been more lonely in my whole life. I look back and I yearn to be there. It is very ironical as I never remember much about the past. I have always been a dreamer. So much so, that sometimes I can not differentiate between reality and imagination. Like Lewis Carol's imaginative creation- Alice, I too create humungous world in which I am the truth and I, its lies. I am the God and I only, the lowly peasant. It is this person to which I want to go back. Why?

Because I am in pain, a terrible pain. A pain so excruciating that sometimes I have to physically hurt myself to lose the sight of this pain. No, I am no masochist, don’t take me wrong. At least I was not one. Not sure anymore. But this pain relieves me of the pain that my mind exerts over me. The pain that has become part of my very identity which I do not know a way to separate from this body without tearing apart my whole self. I do not have a cure and now not even the pride to hide it from anyone. Earlier, a boastful and bashful guy would take over me and fight for me. Now, I just hide in my room sitting alone, running away, from my friends, my enemies, even my shadow. Frankly, I am just plain scared to go out so much that I prefer to bunk the classes which I can attend and sometimes even skip meals. My only haven in these precarious times is my home which I frequent as often as I can. There, lying in my mother’s feet I feel safe, safer than I have ever felt in the room-my shelter here.

I want to run away from all this. Maybe skip a few years and jump off from here. Or maybe go back in time and live my childhood again. I do not know where should I go but I know for sure where I do not want to be. I know not what will bring peace to my aching heart but I know the intensity of its beatings. I know not whether I will find answers to the questions flooding my brain but I know no one else can answer them.

I truly pity my friends right now. I know they are confused, angry, maybe even hurt. They do not understand what is going on. They see a guy loosing it. First he stopped doing standard jobs, then he excused himself from important stuff. Now, he is not attending classes, skipping meals and avoiding them. What is next? His will to act is gone. How far will his will to survive last? Will he come back from this setback? Will he gain what fervor he had? Even a fraction of it. What has happened to him? Or maybe he was always like that and it is now that they have realized it. Every question must be looming in there mind making its presence know in my presence. They must be having there own explanations for this behavior. Some may have dismissed as a phase, some might be thinking that I am a nutcase and was so always. Some might have any other creative theory. Few might be considering themselves at fault, others me. But I blame no one, not even myself for a change. I don’t know why.

Sometimes life just sucks. Reason is not needed. Or maybe this is how life seem to a person who is in depression. What could be worse than a scared depressed maniac bordering masochism? Maybe a sadistic psychopath. I , at least am not trying to kill anyone yet. I will not say that this lucrative thought has not crossed my mind. I just had a few lines coming to me from a movie-

You can not treat every situation as life and death matter because you will die a lot of times.

Nice one, eh? I know what you are thinking. From where did this came. I told you earlier- a precious balance of solitude and multitude corresponds my life.

I do not understand death, yet it is one of the topics I think about a lot. I am scared of death, though I am not afraid to die. But if I have to give a definition of death I would say it is the point from where there is nothing to look forward to. This is where I am standing right now. Maybe I have died.

I just wish some one could bring me from the dead. My guardian angel perhaps.

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